Someone You’re Better Than: Jocelyn Wildenstein

Too much fug for just one picture

By Matthew Koutzun

Maybe you’ve seen her on the TV, perhaps you’ve seen her in the papers, or you might have seen her roving the streets on Halloween- wait that’s just little kids in scary masks, but once you’ve seen her you never forget.  Here’s a candid look at why you are better than the bastard child of improper plastic surgery.

1. Craig Ferguson has never repeatedly used you in a comedy sketch to repeatedly mistake my image with that of Kenny Rogers.
2. No one has ever called you “The Bride of Wildenstein“
3. You are not referred to as the “Lion Queen” or “Cat Woman”.  Just being called Cat Woman is insult enough to be put in the same category as Hally Barry.  Ugh…
4. You have never had a capuchin monkey as your own personal slave.  We know she says it’s her “pet”, but “fetching” martinis is not a “trick”.
5. You have never spent 4 million dollars- that’s 4,000,000 dollars, for plastic surgery, to come out deformed. 
   And remember, this is true to life: money can’t buy you everything, except when you want to look like a cat.

Apollo Braun

Click the picture! Buy a tshirt! Not from him!

Honestly, I almost don’t want to write this, because I know the immense joy this giant bag of ass gets from knowing people hate him. But it’s 3:30 am, I’m tired, and he’s an incredibly easy target.

1. My real first name isn’t one letter away from being ‘Moron.’ (It’s Doron for those of you who are too lazy to look it up)
2. I’m not a zionist who lists Hitler as my inspiration.
3. I don’t get super stoked over the idea of Britney Spears wearing a shirt (she wore an effing demin ballgown once, that doesn’t speak well for your shirt).
4. I don’t need to piss people off to make them pay attention to me.
5. I would never try to pass this off as a skirt.
6. I’ve never sprayed fabric paint on dollar store slippers and tried to pass them off as shoes.
7. I’m not a racist dick bag.
8. I don’t have ironic hair.
9. I’ve never taken credit for other people’s work.
10. I’ve never made a shirt asking who killed Malia Obama. That’s not not funny. At all. On any level. Ever. It’s not clever, it’s not edgy, and I sincerely hope that his store burns down. With him inside of it. I assume that hating yourself and beating the clown while listening to MIA would probably delay reaction time.

Ignorant, Racist Americans

The only person with any capacity for thought in this picture is the black kid on the poster

By Scott R.

Apparently, ever since Obama won the presidency, the racist backwoods folk of America have reverted to slavery days with their complete and utter hatred toward the new president elect.  Link

1. I don’t train my kids to say they want Obama to get assassinated.
2. I don’t run pools guessing when Obama will get killed.
3. I don’t hang effigies of black figures.
4. I don’t write racial epithets everywhere.
5. I don’t burn crosses.
6. I get my news from news sources and not from email forwards.
7. I’m not part of real America.
8. I’m a Jew.
9. Dukes of Hazzard is not a lifestyle choice for me.
10. I mess with Texas.

No real reason to post this, I just think it’s funny

Leticia Cyrus, Miley 'Daddy Issues' Cyrus, and Stephen 'Daddy' Baldwin

Stephen Baldwin

I’m not sure what’s worse, that Stephen has myspace, or that he thinks we think he looks like that.

Hi Stephen. I know you’re reading this. Google alerts are a wonderful thing, aren’t they? Remember when you said you were going to leave America if Obama won? I would just like to take this time to say that Canada is not currently accepting immigrants, so please don’t apply for a visa. Also, Canada does not have any available housing. Not to rent, not to buy. Nothing. You would be homeless. Ditto with jobs. Also, we’re all already Christians so there’s no one for you to convert. And socialism. I’m just trying to save you time. Maybe try Iraq. I’ve heard good things about Iraq.

1. I’ve never been encouraged to act in a student film. (Related note- while in film school, whenever we were casting, our producing teacher would tell us to call Stephen because he wasn’t doing anything).
2. I don’t have ‘visions’ that I reveal on a Christian radio show.
3. If I were to believe in the holy spirit, I would not be narcissistic enough to think it would speak to me directly.
4. I know the word ‘Extreme’ starts with an E, not an X.
5. I’ve done more than one worthwhile thing over the course of my life.
6. I have no issues with porn stores.
7. “What’s up everybody out there? Stevie B is rollin in the Lords Lounge in the name of Jesus and being a hardcore soldier for Christ has never been this much fun.” I have never, NEVER, typed anything that utterly ridiculous. I have typed some very stupid things in my day, but nothing of that caliber.
8. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas.
9. I’ve never been on a reality show, much less multiple reality shows.
10. My siblings aren’t embarrassed to be related to me.

American Broadcasting Company

I don’t know if anyone watched the Emmys or not (I hope for your sake that you didn’t), but wow they were terrible! I could write about how I’m better than pretty much everyone involved, but I realized I can’t blame them (that would take forever). I blame ABC for giving this mess air time. Not only that, but cutting people off whenever they mentioned politics was a total dick move. So here are a few of the reasons I’m better than ABC.

1. America’s Funniest Home Videos.
2. Steve Urkle.
3. Cavemen.
4. Hope & Faith.
5. Lizzie Maguire, and by extension, Hillary Duff.
6. George Lopez
7. I have nothing against NYPD Blue, but I have a whole lot against them unleashing David Caruso on the world.
8.  You give Full House 8 years and cancel My So-Called Life after one season? Die a fiery death.
9. I’ve never cut someone off for saying America needs articulate men. 
10. According to Jim. Seriously, fuck you ABC. I could have just written According to Jim 10 times and no one would argue with me.

Someone You’re Better Than- Carlos Mencia

Carlos Mencia is the Hitler of comedy. He massacres jokes, and everyone hates him. And if you don’t hate him, people think you’re ignorant and will avoid you. Therefore, Carlos Mencia= Hitler. Only Hitler wrote some of his own speeches.

1. You don’t somehow manage to make George Lopez’s jokes even less funny.
2. Your name isn’t Ned.
3. You’re not a German that makes their living by making fun of Mexicans.
4. You don’t have 17 siblings.
5. You can tell a joke without using the term “Beaner,” or making fun of people with mental disabilities.

Someone You’re Better Than: Meagan Taylor

I don’t know you, but I’m confident that you’re better than a few people. Once a week, I’m going to post someone so terrible, that the only positive effect they can have on society is making other people feel better about themselves.

This is Meagan Taylor. Here are 5 reasons you’re better than her.

1. You didn’t spend $50 000 of your dad’s money making arguably the worst music video of all time. (Note: that’s $50 000 out of pocket from her dad, the rest was paid for with a hot sauce sponsorship)
2. You don’t claim to be huge in Panama.
3. You were never Hot Slut of the Day/Week on Dlisted.
4. There are no ironic facebook groups dedicated to sightings of you at your university.
5. You didn’t write a song comparing your hair to expensive things.