Santa Clause Christmas Special

Santa Clause is coming…to your bedroom.

By Matthew Koutzun

Well Merry Christmas all you people I’m obviously better than.  I’m going against my better judgement and my mother by defaming the notorious Christmas icon Santa Clause who I am also obviously better than for again, obvious reasons.

1. I don’t kidnap midgets, call them elves, and then force them to do manual labour.
2. I don’t disappear for 363 days of the year only to come out for one that I don’t even say hello.  Come on, I’ve called you a million times and you don’t return my calls!
3. I don’t, on my one visit of the year, sneak into your home, without a sound, and drop off gifts. I appreciate it but the sound of your hollow breathing beside me as I sleep really creeps me out.
4. I don’t give gifts expecting something in return.  So you got me a Wii this Christmas, I guess I can give you some cookies and a glass of spiked milk.
5. That’s another thing: I don’t go and steal electronics.  How do I know this?  Because I’ve never seen an orphaned midget create a Playstation 3.
6. I don’t pretend to be every shopping mall at once.
7. I don’t crush the spirit of another cute holiday icon by insulting his red nose only to call upon him to help me do my dirty work when it gets “a little foggy” out.  I know your code words… I’m onto you.
8. I don’t have rosy red cheeks all the time.  Lay off the booze fat man!
9. I am thin enough to fit through a chimney.
10. Oh yeah, and I’m real.

But all jokes aside, Santa is really awesome and got me a whole array of great gifts and hopefully you did too, so Happy Holidays from all of us at “People I’m Better Than” and have a Happy New Year!

Lila Rose

Dear Lila, for every baby you save, I'll kill 3. Love, Christi

So, my little sister came to town, so I decided I deserved a week off. But then I watched a video featuring this bitch. AKA the cuntiest cunt in the history of cuntiness. She is the mayor of cunt-town. I can’t think of anything more witty than that, that’s how enraged she has made me. It might just be that I saw Milk tonight (FANTASTIC.) but assholes in California who want to take rights away from other people are especially maddening to me right now.

1. I don’t care about what other people do with their uterus.
2. I can’t pass for 12.
3. I don’t have 7 siblings. Why? Because if my mom got pregnant 7 times, she would probably abort a few, so that they wouldn’t be deprived of love or attention which would lead to them being completely fucking insufferable by 20.
4. My business partner has never campaigned for Mike Huckabee. Way to back a winner, kiddo.
5. I’ve never ripped off the title of the #1 gay interests magazine in the world,  to try to make people read my right wing (and based on the Huckabee connection, I think anti-gay is a fair assumption) propaganda.
6. I don’t call sneaking a camcorder in a hoodie, “hard hitting and investigative.” I call it a camcorder in a hoodie. My friends and I used to do this shit in grade 9. You’re an adult. Grow the fuck up.
7. I’ve never phoned an organization, made incredibly racist comments in an attempt to make them say something racist back, then called them racist when they are willing to accept a donation from the racist prick on the phone. They are a charity. If you offer them money, they will take it. That doesn’t make them racist, that makes them a charity.
8. I’ve never broken California’s wire tapping laws. I’ve also never impersonated the victim of a crime.
9. My name doesn’t make people want to punch me in the face. Over and over again. Like that scene in Sin City where Bruce Willis makes the yellow guy turn to goo.
10. I have never taken it upon myself to try discredit an organization that helps millions of women every year. Abortions account for 5% of the services provided by Planned Parenthood in the United States. If you care about babies, volunteer at an orphanage. Become a foster parent. Go overseas and help the kids starving to death and dying of preventable illnesses. Do something useful with your life. If you’re anti-abortion, don’t get an abortion, it’s that simple.

Anyways, I really really hate this girl. I always thought my generation was more tolerant and less ignorant than past generations. This…person, discredits this theory altogether. Feel free to email her and explain to her why she fails at life.

Australia

By Matthew Koutzun and Christi Olson

Matt and I are going to try to do something never before done on People I’m Better Than! We’re going to double team Australia!

1. A film based on me has never been the biggest box office disappointment since Evan Almighty.
2. Kangaroos don’t shit on me.
3. I am not made of Britain’s unwanted.
4. Koalas don’t shit on me.
5. My two most highly respected representatives aren’t Steve Irwin and the Crocodile Dundee guy.
6. I’m not home to the platypus- AKA God’s mistake.
7. I know a Barbie is a children’s toy and not an outdoor cooking appliance.
8. I am not an island.
9. I wasn’t featured on The Simpsons because my only redeeming quality is that my toilet water spins backwards.
10. My nickname isn’t also the name of a popular HBO  prison drama frequently featuring dude on dude rape.

Soon to be former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich

Uncomfortable.

By Scott R.
 
Hey Rod, fuck you.  I’m better than this schmuck.

1. I’m not blatantly corrupt.
2. I have not tainted Barack Obama in any way
3. I don’t try to sell jobs for money or favors
4. I don’t try to get my family members high-paying jobs in exchange for political appointments.
5. I’ve never been arrested.
6. I don’t try to strong arm newspapers.
7. I can do my job without expecting anything extra.
8. I’m not another in a long line of corrupt Illinois politicians.
9. My name is easy to pronounce.
10. I didn’t jeopardize the good name of the Democratic Party at a difficult period in history.

Someone I’m Not Better Than- Lizard People

I decided this needed to happen twice this week. Why? Because how effing awesome is that picture?

For those of you who don’t obsessively follow Minnesota politics, Norm Coleman and Al Franken are currently in the middle of a recount. One of the disputed ballots contained a write in vote for Lizard People. MisterHippity, a lovely Gawker commenter, created this picture. By association, I guess that means I am not better than MisterHippity. I think I must be having a low self esteem week because between an ad agency, the entire race of Lizard People, and this MisterHippity fellow, that’s a whole bunch of people.

I’m still better than dolphins though.

Mormons

By Rob K.

Okay, so all religions can sound a bit crazy.  Jews believe the earth was created in seven days by a bacon-hating man in the sky.  Muslims are told they’ll get 72 spotless virgins in heaven (lets hope they’re right!).  And Christians – well, they worship a zombie (Sorry, but anyone who dies and comes back to life is zombie in my book).

But Mormons…wow.  Jesus visiting Native Americans.  Angels helping find buried gold plates.  Donny Osmond being talented.  They believe some crazy shit.

Under normal circumstances I’d let it slide.  After all, I’m a self-hating Jew.  I have my own issues to deal with.  But then came Prop 8 and the banning of gay marriage in California – a cause supported in large part by Mormon money.  And so I think it’s fair to say that I am better than the Mormon Church and, by default, almost all Mormons (Damn you, Wilford Brimley!).  Here’s why…

1. Mormons hate gay people.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I hate plenty of gay people.  Clay Aiken’s voice is the audio equivalent of getting raped by a silverback gorilla.  It’s not a pleasant experience. But hating all gay people?  That’s like hating all Mexicans.  Which come to think of it, I kind of do.  Huh?
2. Mormon women are hot.  Blond Hair.  Blue Eyes.  It’s like a Nazi Propaganda Film.  And guess what?  They won’t sleep with you.  Which plays nicely into my next point.
3. Salt Lake City is like the Epcot Center of boring.  It’s like one of those cheesy 1950’s themed diners, only instead of a restaurant IT’S AN ENTIRE FUCKING CITY!  Oh…and good luck trying to get a drink there.  It’s about as dry as a senior citizen’s vagina.
4. Magic Underwear.  Apparently all Mormons have to wear special underwear made and sold  by their Church.  And surprise, surprise…it’s completely unsexy.  Ever seen a Mormon in a thong.  Yeah, didn’t think so.
5. Polygamy.  Okay, I know what you’re thinking.  Polygamy is kind of cool.  And it sort of is; in theory.  But judging from my parent’s relationship, monogamous marriage is a spiraling abyss of misery and despair.  Now imagine that with 2 other partners.  Shoot me now.
6. Jewel.  Supposedly the little Alaskan snaggle-toothed folk-singing bitch is Mormon.  Holy fuck do I hate her!  Between her and Sarah Palin, I’m beginning to think we should just wipe the entire state of Alaska off the map.  As a side note, never date a girl who owns a Jewel album.  Trust me, it won’t end well.  Plus they give terrible blowjobs. It’s a fact.  Look it up.
7. The Mormon Church has gotten into trouble for  secretly baptizing the buried remains of Jews who were killed in the Holocaust.  Jewish groups representing the families have asked them to stop.  But they keep doing it.  Okay, that’s pretty fucked up.  Like really, really, really fucked up.  Which leads me to #8…
8. Oatmeal.  I hate it.  And Wilford Brimley advertises it.  And Wilford Brimley is Mormon.  So using the mathematical law of reduction, if I hate Oatmeal, I hate Mormons.  You can’t argue with Math.
9. Mormon’s aren’t funny.   They’re just not.  Which is the perfect set up to reason #10…
10. Mormons get offended WAY too easily.  This is particularly true of one girl I knew in college.  Now to be fair, I did tell her that, “Utah would be great if it wasn’t for all those fucking Mormons.”  But come on, I had no idea she was Mormon.  Had I known, I never would have used the word “fucking.”

So for all these reasons, as well as countless others, I believe I am better than the Mormon Church.

Ignorant, Racist Americans

The only person with any capacity for thought in this picture is the black kid on the poster

By Scott R.

Apparently, ever since Obama won the presidency, the racist backwoods folk of America have reverted to slavery days with their complete and utter hatred toward the new president elect.  Link

1. I don’t train my kids to say they want Obama to get assassinated.
2. I don’t run pools guessing when Obama will get killed.
3. I don’t hang effigies of black figures.
4. I don’t write racial epithets everywhere.
5. I don’t burn crosses.
6. I get my news from news sources and not from email forwards.
7. I’m not part of real America.
8. I’m a Jew.
9. Dukes of Hazzard is not a lifestyle choice for me.
10. I mess with Texas.

Someone You’re Better Than- Robert Mugabe

So someone, who shall remain nameless, mentioned that I don’t cover important people on this site. Then he listed some dictators and terrible people and told me I should cover them. The reason I don’t cover them? It’s really hard to make torture funny and still be employable. So as an example of why I don’t cover more important things; Robert Mugabe.

1. You’ve never gone from being a well-respected political leader to being universally hated.
2. You’ve never rocked a Hitler stache.
3. You’ve never seized someones property because of their race.
4. You’ve haven’t recently been ranked the 7th worst dictator in the world by Parade.
5. You’ve never ordered your opponent’s wife to be burned alive after cutting off her limbs.

Someone I’m Not Better Than- Barney Bush

Say what you will about George Bush but Barney is an effing superstar. Seriously, I’ve always been anti-Bush but the above video made me genuinely love him for making it possible for that video to exist.

There are many reasons that I’m not better than Barney, like, I’ve never bitten a reporter. But mostly, Barney is the Obama of the dog world. They’re both black, and they both bring people together regardless of their political affiliation. Hell yeah Barney! I wish you and your wife Miss Beazley all the best. For more info on Barney, check out the White House website.

Stephen Baldwin

I’m not sure what’s worse, that Stephen has myspace, or that he thinks we think he looks like that.

Hi Stephen. I know you’re reading this. Google alerts are a wonderful thing, aren’t they? Remember when you said you were going to leave America if Obama won? I would just like to take this time to say that Canada is not currently accepting immigrants, so please don’t apply for a visa. Also, Canada does not have any available housing. Not to rent, not to buy. Nothing. You would be homeless. Ditto with jobs. Also, we’re all already Christians so there’s no one for you to convert. And socialism. I’m just trying to save you time. Maybe try Iraq. I’ve heard good things about Iraq.

1. I’ve never been encouraged to act in a student film. (Related note- while in film school, whenever we were casting, our producing teacher would tell us to call Stephen because he wasn’t doing anything).
2. I don’t have ‘visions’ that I reveal on a Christian radio show.
3. If I were to believe in the holy spirit, I would not be narcissistic enough to think it would speak to me directly.
4. I know the word ‘Extreme’ starts with an E, not an X.
5. I’ve done more than one worthwhile thing over the course of my life.
6. I have no issues with porn stores.
7. “What’s up everybody out there? Stevie B is rollin in the Lords Lounge in the name of Jesus and being a hardcore soldier for Christ has never been this much fun.” I have never, NEVER, typed anything that utterly ridiculous. I have typed some very stupid things in my day, but nothing of that caliber.
8. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas.
9. I’ve never been on a reality show, much less multiple reality shows.
10. My siblings aren’t embarrassed to be related to me.