Santa Clause Christmas Special

Santa Clause is coming…to your bedroom.

By Matthew Koutzun

Well Merry Christmas all you people I’m obviously better than.  I’m going against my better judgement and my mother by defaming the notorious Christmas icon Santa Clause who I am also obviously better than for again, obvious reasons.

1. I don’t kidnap midgets, call them elves, and then force them to do manual labour.
2. I don’t disappear for 363 days of the year only to come out for one that I don’t even say hello.  Come on, I’ve called you a million times and you don’t return my calls!
3. I don’t, on my one visit of the year, sneak into your home, without a sound, and drop off gifts. I appreciate it but the sound of your hollow breathing beside me as I sleep really creeps me out.
4. I don’t give gifts expecting something in return.  So you got me a Wii this Christmas, I guess I can give you some cookies and a glass of spiked milk.
5. That’s another thing: I don’t go and steal electronics.  How do I know this?  Because I’ve never seen an orphaned midget create a Playstation 3.
6. I don’t pretend to be every shopping mall at once.
7. I don’t crush the spirit of another cute holiday icon by insulting his red nose only to call upon him to help me do my dirty work when it gets “a little foggy” out.  I know your code words… I’m onto you.
8. I don’t have rosy red cheeks all the time.  Lay off the booze fat man!
9. I am thin enough to fit through a chimney.
10. Oh yeah, and I’m real.

But all jokes aside, Santa is really awesome and got me a whole array of great gifts and hopefully you did too, so Happy Holidays from all of us at “People I’m Better Than” and have a Happy New Year!

Australia

By Matthew Koutzun and Christi Olson

Matt and I are going to try to do something never before done on People I’m Better Than! We’re going to double team Australia!

1. A film based on me has never been the biggest box office disappointment since Evan Almighty.
2. Kangaroos don’t shit on me.
3. I am not made of Britain’s unwanted.
4. Koalas don’t shit on me.
5. My two most highly respected representatives aren’t Steve Irwin and the Crocodile Dundee guy.
6. I’m not home to the platypus- AKA God’s mistake.
7. I know a Barbie is a children’s toy and not an outdoor cooking appliance.
8. I am not an island.
9. I wasn’t featured on The Simpsons because my only redeeming quality is that my toilet water spins backwards.
10. My nickname isn’t also the name of a popular HBO  prison drama frequently featuring dude on dude rape.

Mormons

By Rob K.

Okay, so all religions can sound a bit crazy.  Jews believe the earth was created in seven days by a bacon-hating man in the sky.  Muslims are told they’ll get 72 spotless virgins in heaven (lets hope they’re right!).  And Christians – well, they worship a zombie (Sorry, but anyone who dies and comes back to life is zombie in my book).

But Mormons…wow.  Jesus visiting Native Americans.  Angels helping find buried gold plates.  Donny Osmond being talented.  They believe some crazy shit.

Under normal circumstances I’d let it slide.  After all, I’m a self-hating Jew.  I have my own issues to deal with.  But then came Prop 8 and the banning of gay marriage in California – a cause supported in large part by Mormon money.  And so I think it’s fair to say that I am better than the Mormon Church and, by default, almost all Mormons (Damn you, Wilford Brimley!).  Here’s why…

1. Mormons hate gay people.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I hate plenty of gay people.  Clay Aiken’s voice is the audio equivalent of getting raped by a silverback gorilla.  It’s not a pleasant experience. But hating all gay people?  That’s like hating all Mexicans.  Which come to think of it, I kind of do.  Huh?
2. Mormon women are hot.  Blond Hair.  Blue Eyes.  It’s like a Nazi Propaganda Film.  And guess what?  They won’t sleep with you.  Which plays nicely into my next point.
3. Salt Lake City is like the Epcot Center of boring.  It’s like one of those cheesy 1950’s themed diners, only instead of a restaurant IT’S AN ENTIRE FUCKING CITY!  Oh…and good luck trying to get a drink there.  It’s about as dry as a senior citizen’s vagina.
4. Magic Underwear.  Apparently all Mormons have to wear special underwear made and sold  by their Church.  And surprise, surprise…it’s completely unsexy.  Ever seen a Mormon in a thong.  Yeah, didn’t think so.
5. Polygamy.  Okay, I know what you’re thinking.  Polygamy is kind of cool.  And it sort of is; in theory.  But judging from my parent’s relationship, monogamous marriage is a spiraling abyss of misery and despair.  Now imagine that with 2 other partners.  Shoot me now.
6. Jewel.  Supposedly the little Alaskan snaggle-toothed folk-singing bitch is Mormon.  Holy fuck do I hate her!  Between her and Sarah Palin, I’m beginning to think we should just wipe the entire state of Alaska off the map.  As a side note, never date a girl who owns a Jewel album.  Trust me, it won’t end well.  Plus they give terrible blowjobs. It’s a fact.  Look it up.
7. The Mormon Church has gotten into trouble for  secretly baptizing the buried remains of Jews who were killed in the Holocaust.  Jewish groups representing the families have asked them to stop.  But they keep doing it.  Okay, that’s pretty fucked up.  Like really, really, really fucked up.  Which leads me to #8…
8. Oatmeal.  I hate it.  And Wilford Brimley advertises it.  And Wilford Brimley is Mormon.  So using the mathematical law of reduction, if I hate Oatmeal, I hate Mormons.  You can’t argue with Math.
9. Mormon’s aren’t funny.   They’re just not.  Which is the perfect set up to reason #10…
10. Mormons get offended WAY too easily.  This is particularly true of one girl I knew in college.  Now to be fair, I did tell her that, “Utah would be great if it wasn’t for all those fucking Mormons.”  But come on, I had no idea she was Mormon.  Had I known, I never would have used the word “fucking.”

So for all these reasons, as well as countless others, I believe I am better than the Mormon Church.

Ignorant, Racist Americans

The only person with any capacity for thought in this picture is the black kid on the poster

By Scott R.

Apparently, ever since Obama won the presidency, the racist backwoods folk of America have reverted to slavery days with their complete and utter hatred toward the new president elect.  Link

1. I don’t train my kids to say they want Obama to get assassinated.
2. I don’t run pools guessing when Obama will get killed.
3. I don’t hang effigies of black figures.
4. I don’t write racial epithets everywhere.
5. I don’t burn crosses.
6. I get my news from news sources and not from email forwards.
7. I’m not part of real America.
8. I’m a Jew.
9. Dukes of Hazzard is not a lifestyle choice for me.
10. I mess with Texas.

Carmen Sandiego

When I was in grade 2, we had to do these really stupid typing program things at school. No one liked doing these, so to get us to finish the programs they would bribe us. Either we could play Mickey Mouse Matching Game, or Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. Because I type like a retard, I was always the last to finish, and this is back when the internet was like, 1 website, and only a certain amount of kids could play a game at once so I always got stuck with Carmen Sandiego. I guess my point is that she’s a bitch.

1. I would never associate with someone named “Hardley Worthit” or “M. T. Pockets.”
2. I have never stolen all of the sushi in Japan.
3. I can have a conversation without incorporating rhymes and/or puns.
4. I didn’t inspire the worst game shows of all time.
5. No one has ever thought that Sandra Bullock should play me in a film.
6. I’ve never travelled through time to try to steal the concept of natural language.
7. Strong Bad has never dressed as me for Halloween.
8. If I were going to set up a network of international thieves, I could think of a more witty name than  V.I.L.E.
9. My plans have never been foiled by young children.
10. People don’t really care where I am.

Yes I Can Continue Blogging

So…apparently Obama is going to be president now….which I guess means I need to start updating this every day. I’m going to sleep off the election, and update tomorrow!

Thank you America, we appreciate this.

Adolf Hitler

 

I’ll start of with someone easy. Hitler. I’m pretty sure that it’s safe to say I’m better than Hitler.  Here’s why!

1. Jews like me. Hitler? Not so much
2. Although neither of us are down with the meat eating, Hitler didn’t eat meat because of a stomach illness. Morals are way cooler than gastrointestinal issues.
3. My mom didn’t have to be talked out of aborting.
4. Hitler only had one testicle, and although I’m lacking testicularly, all my lady-parts are intact.
5. Hitler did the deed with his niece, I’ve managed to keep it out of the family.
6. I like to keep bathroom business out of the bedroom, thank you very much.
7. My middle name isn’t Elizabeth.
8. I finished high school.
9. No one has ever changed their name out of fear of being affiliated with me.
10. Hitler was a failed artist…I have a blog.