Pete Wentz

First ever guest blogger! This entry is brought to you by Adam White. he is the writer over at Reasons Why I Hate Girls. Thanks Adam!

Pete Wentz, bassist for Fall Out Boy is a scourge on the music scene. It is incredibly ironic that one of his biggest gripes of ’08 is the word douchebag. I guess it’s fitting because he is probably called one a lot, since it suits him so well.

1. I don’t go out of my way to give my child the most retarded name ever. Bronx Mowgli? Was Staten Island Baloo or Queens Kaa too run-of-the mill? Actually, Queens Kaa Wentz is quite a lovely name for a girl. Consider it a gift from me to you.
2. If Google image my name, my dick doesn’t pop up on the first page.
3. Most of my writing isn’t long winded excuses to be clever, or random snippets from movies. Examples:   

   Our Lawyer made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued
   Of All The Gin Joints In All The World
   Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends.
   I Slept with Someone in Fall Out Boy And All I got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me
   Gay Is Not a Synonym For Shitty
   I’m Like a Lawyer with the Way I’m Always Trying to Get You Off.

   We get it Pete, you really, really like to be long winded and show off how clever you are with movie references.

4. A bassist in a Pop-Punk band? A bassist?!  What a complex instrument to play in a difficult genre. At least Mark Hoppus had a reason to be a front-man of the band, he could sing. 
5. I’m not entirely androgynous with hordes of eye make up and girl jeans. 
6. If I was going to write a book, I wouldn’t steal the title from a Smiths song. Morrissey should seriously sue your ass, because I doubt he wants his song to be remotely associated with you.
7. I don’t talk on media outlets about anal sex. 
8. His Art Gallery is named Without You, I’m Just Me. Deep stuff.
9. My entire fan base isn’t teenage girls that want me.
10. I’ve never tried to kill myself by ODing on anxiety meds, and claim my life was saved by the song Hallelujah

Santa Clause Christmas Special

Santa Clause is coming…to your bedroom.

By Matthew Koutzun

Well Merry Christmas all you people I’m obviously better than.  I’m going against my better judgement and my mother by defaming the notorious Christmas icon Santa Clause who I am also obviously better than for again, obvious reasons.

1. I don’t kidnap midgets, call them elves, and then force them to do manual labour.
2. I don’t disappear for 363 days of the year only to come out for one that I don’t even say hello.  Come on, I’ve called you a million times and you don’t return my calls!
3. I don’t, on my one visit of the year, sneak into your home, without a sound, and drop off gifts. I appreciate it but the sound of your hollow breathing beside me as I sleep really creeps me out.
4. I don’t give gifts expecting something in return.  So you got me a Wii this Christmas, I guess I can give you some cookies and a glass of spiked milk.
5. That’s another thing: I don’t go and steal electronics.  How do I know this?  Because I’ve never seen an orphaned midget create a Playstation 3.
6. I don’t pretend to be every shopping mall at once.
7. I don’t crush the spirit of another cute holiday icon by insulting his red nose only to call upon him to help me do my dirty work when it gets “a little foggy” out.  I know your code words… I’m onto you.
8. I don’t have rosy red cheeks all the time.  Lay off the booze fat man!
9. I am thin enough to fit through a chimney.
10. Oh yeah, and I’m real.

But all jokes aside, Santa is really awesome and got me a whole array of great gifts and hopefully you did too, so Happy Holidays from all of us at “People I’m Better Than” and have a Happy New Year!

Someone I’m Not Better Than: Bill Murray

 

OMFG Bill Murray!!! This is from an article in Page Six Magazine about Bill Murray’s midlife crisis. Just…swoon.

 It was late one night, a few years ago, when a young man was walking through Union Square Park. He suddenly felt someone behind him, their hands over his eyes. When he turned in surprise, there was Bill Murray, his creased face leaning in close. Bill whispered, “No one is ever going to believe you,” and then just walked away.

Karl Lagerfeld

Dearest Karl Lagerfeld;
 
I am writing you from my champagne glass shaped hot tub today with the aid of my personal scribe to tell you that I do not hate you; your boyish, yet crazy, antics cease to amaze me, but in the spirit of knowing I am better than you, I have enclosed my ten reasons as to why I am better than you.
 
 
Attached Addendum-
Ten Reasons I am Better Than You:
 
Number 1) People have never wondered why I’m constantly wearing a neck brace and then suddenly realized that it’s just my shirts ridiculously high collar.  What are you trying to hide?
 
Number 2) I don’t own several hundred iPods for each of my homes, be it each room, so I’ll never be without music.  Do you not like the sound of your own thoughts?
 
Number 3) It has never been advertised“Now You Can Finger [Matthew Koutzun]” anywhere. 
 
Number 4) I didn’t create a creepy teddy bear in my own likeness and then proceed to sell it for fifteen hundred dollars.
 
Number 5) I have never claimed to be a rapper, quoted: “Believe it or not, I love to Rap.” 
 
Number 6) I do not have a diet coke butler.  But do have one for my orange juice, mango smoothies, and also one to rub the soles of my feet.  It’s hard living the better life.
 
Number 7) I didn’t take the last letter off my last name because it would sound more “commercial”.  Yeah, like Lagerfeld is that much better than Lagerfeldt.
 
Number 8 ) I’ve never been quoted saying, “What I hate is nasty ugly people. The worst is ugly short men. Women can be short, but for men it is impossible. It is something that they will not forgive in life – to be born short. I have never been friends with a short man in my life. Don’t trust them; they are mean, and they want to kill you.”  
 
Number 9) I did not create an impossible diet book that would not be possible without a French chef cooking finger sized portions, protein packets, and excessive use of artificial sweeteners and drinks.  But there is a “plus”: no exercise (because that might make you hungry).  This isn’t a diet- it’s called starvation.
 
Number 10) I don’t wear leather gloves just because my mother told me my hands were ugly when I was 11.  Karl, you’re better than that.  You can move on and reveal your hands. You really can!  And no, Michael Jackson is not a good friend to call for support for a crisis like this.
 
And there you have it Karl, my ten reasons as to why I’m better than you.  I just finished another mango smoothie and my mouth is tired from dictating.  Also the champagne glass is making my skin ache.  I hope your doing well with your man-child bodyguard who is suspiciously around all the time.
 
Sincerely;
Matthew Koutzun
 
(Dictated but not read)
 
PS. Please send a signed Karl Bear and possibly one of your numerous iPods.  Mine’s on the fritz.

Katy Perry

Phallic objects just go straight to the vag with this girl…

By Matthew Koutzun

The Americans are on vacation with Thanksgiving, but here in Canada we’re still annoyed by Katy Perry.  And here are ten reasons as to why I’m much better than her.

1. I don’t use homosexuality to sell most of albums.
2. I don’t use negative homosexual references in my pieces- especially to stereotype, oppress, and offend gay males and those that “don’t even like boys” who may have “gay style” who go through the trauma everyday of being told what their sexuality is by people like you, Katy Perry, who have “kissed a girl and liked it” (even though you’ve never actually done it) confusing them further of their own emotions and budding sexuality.  Thanks for creating such self-esteem in struggling men everywhere.  Congrats!
3. I try not to piss off the homosexual population in general.
4. I don’t use my “free-spirit” attitude to disrespect everyone around me.
5. I’ve never compared my “confessional writing” to that of Anne Frank’s.
6. Like our sweetheart Blossom from the 1990′s on steroids you are tacky, extremely tacky- more so than Blossom could ever be.  I miss you Blossom…
7. California may fall into the ocean one of these days, but at least I know that 1950′s bathing suits are not appropriate attire for all occasions. 
8. My face isn’t held together by pins. 
9. I’ve never dated someone to mooch into their fan base.
10. I’ve never ridden a giant Cherry Chapstick shaped dildo to titillate my underaged fans at the MTV music awards.

Tom Cruise

 

This one is long overdue, and kind of obvious, but why the hell not?

1. I’ve never read a sci-fi book and thought “Hmm, this makes sense from a theological standpoint. I think I would like to send them all of my money.”
2. I think psychology is helpful.
3. If I saw someone in a car accident on the side of the road, dying, I would call for help rather than claim to be the only person qualified to help.
4. I’ve never claimed to have rescued fire fighters from the World Trade Center.
5. I’ve never sucked the life and youth out of a promising young actress.
6. War of the Worlds.
7. Steven Spielberg doesn’t hate me.
8. I’ve never threatened Steve Spielberg’s family.
9. I don’t use the word glib in regular conversation.
10. I’ve never cried loudly in a shower, jerking off to “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria” while hating my life and the choices I’ve made.

No real reason to post this, I just think it’s funny

Leticia Cyrus, Miley 'Daddy Issues' Cyrus, and Stephen 'Daddy' Baldwin

David Caruso

Say what you will about this guy, but I effing love him. I’m better than him, but I love him. He’s America’s redheaded stepchild, and the worst actor on television today, but wow is he ever entertaining. Watching him and Elizabeth Berkley try to out act each other was like watching two kids in wheelchairs try to play kickball. No one wins and it’s hilarious.

1. I don’t make William Shatner’s pacing seem natural.
2. I’ve never dramatically removed sunglasses (unless imitating David Caruso).
3. I’m not responsible for the only funny sketch ever performed by Comedy Inc.
4. I’ve never used my hair colour as an excuse for a poor job performance.
5. I can pick up objects and speak at the same time.
6. I’ve never left the only job I was ever good act because of delusions of grandeur.
7. I don’t have multiple children with multiple partners (also, all of the partners have names like mafia girlfriends. Paris Papiro? Hell yeah!)
8. I don’t own a clothing store despite only wearing variations of the same outfit.
9. “Caruso is without a doubt, the most tortured, saddest man-child/ actor I’ve ever seen in over 15 years of movie and tv-making.” No one I’ve worked with has ever posted that about me on a website.
10. Diet Coke is not my acting juice.

Miley Cyrus

By Matthew Koutzun

Miley Cyrus, or Hannah Montana, or whatever you are, I’ve got more than “7 Things”  as to why I’m better than you.

1. I’ve never had an alter-ego just so I could sell double the amounts of albums.  Shame on you for exploiting your multiple personalities!
2. I’ve never let one of my multiple personalities have a better career than me.  If you’re gonna exploit them then keep them in line!
3. I didn’t change my name from Destiny Hope Cyrus to Miley Ray Cyrus to run away from an alter-ego I didn’t like: myself.  And just to finalize this running joke: who the hell are you now?!
4. I’ve never tried to salvage my career by teaming up with another failing, not to mention aging, actor to save my career. 
5.  I don’t have multiple forums dedicated to how many tween girls hate me, even on my official fan club website.
6. I’ve never posed semi-nude while my father leered at me from the sides. 
7. I’ve never been in love with a Jonas Brother, or have it escalateto a Youtube war between me and his new girlfriend.  
8. I am not going out with someone 5 years older than me.  Let’s look at this class- mathematically.  You take one 15 year old girl, put her with a 20 year old man and what do you get?  Pedophile! 
9. I’ve never had a stalker. 
10. And by the way I took the Myspace Quiz “Are you hotter than Miley Cyrus”, and not only am I better than you, I’m hotter too!

 

Carmen Sandiego

When I was in grade 2, we had to do these really stupid typing program things at school. No one liked doing these, so to get us to finish the programs they would bribe us. Either we could play Mickey Mouse Matching Game, or Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. Because I type like a retard, I was always the last to finish, and this is back when the internet was like, 1 website, and only a certain amount of kids could play a game at once so I always got stuck with Carmen Sandiego. I guess my point is that she’s a bitch.

1. I would never associate with someone named “Hardley Worthit” or “M. T. Pockets.”
2. I have never stolen all of the sushi in Japan.
3. I can have a conversation without incorporating rhymes and/or puns.
4. I didn’t inspire the worst game shows of all time.
5. No one has ever thought that Sandra Bullock should play me in a film.
6. I’ve never travelled through time to try to steal the concept of natural language.
7. Strong Bad has never dressed as me for Halloween.
8. If I were going to set up a network of international thieves, I could think of a more witty name than  V.I.L.E.
9. My plans have never been foiled by young children.
10. People don’t really care where I am.