Okay, so all religions can sound a bit crazy. Jews believe the earth was created in seven days by a bacon-hating man in the sky. Muslims are told they’ll get 72 spotless virgins in heaven (lets hope they’re right!). And Christians – well, they worship a zombie (Sorry, but anyone who dies and comes back to life is zombie in my book).
But Mormons…wow. Jesus visiting Native Americans. Angels helping find buried gold plates. Donny Osmond being talented. They believe some crazy shit.
Under normal circumstances I’d let it slide. After all, I’m a self-hating Jew. I have my own issues to deal with. But then came Prop 8 and the banning of gay marriage in California – a cause supported in large part by Mormon money. And so I think it’s fair to say that I am better than the Mormon Church and, by default, almost all Mormons (Damn you, Wilford Brimley!). Here’s why…
- Mormons hate gay people. Now don’t get me wrong. I hate plenty of gay people. Clay Aiken’s voice is the audio equivalent of getting raped by a silverback gorilla. It’s not a pleasant experience. But hating all gay people? That’s like hating all Mexicans. Which come to think of it, I kind of do. Huh?
- Mormon women are hot. Blond Hair. Blue Eyes. It’s like a Nazi Propaganda Film. And guess what? They won’t sleep with you. Which plays nicely into my next point.
- Salt Lake City is like the Epcot Center of boring. It’s like one of those cheesy 1950’s themed diners, only instead of a restaurant IT’S AN ENTIRE FUCKING CITY! Oh…and good luck trying to get a drink there. It’s about as dry as a senior citizen’s vagina.
- Magic Underwear. Apparently all Mormons have to wear special underwear made and sold by their Church. And surprise, surprise…it’s completely unsexy. Ever seen a Mormon in a thong. Yeah, didn’t think so.
- Polygamy. Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Polygamy is kind of cool. And it sort of is; in theory. But judging from my parent’s relationship, monogamous marriage is a spiraling abyss of misery and despair. Now imagine that with 2 other partners. Shoot me now.
- Jewel. Supposedly the little Alaskan snaggle-toothed folk-singing bitch is Mormon. Holy fuck do I hate her! Between her and Sarah Palin, I’m beginning to think we should just wipe the entire state of Alaska off the map. As a side note, never date a girl who owns a Jewel album. Trust me, it won’t end well. Plus they give terrible blowjobs. It’s a fact. Look it up.
- The Mormon Church has gotten into trouble for secretly baptizing the buried remains of Jews who were killed in the Holocaust. Jewish groups representing the families have asked them to stop. But they keep doing it. Okay, that’s pretty fucked up. Like really, really, really fucked up. Which leads me to #8…
- Oatmeal. I hate it. And Wilford Brimley advertises it. And Wilford Brimley is Mormon. So using the mathematical law of reduction, if I hate Oatmeal, I hate Mormons. You can’t argue with Math.
- Mormon’s aren’t funny. They’re just not. Which is the perfect set up to reason #10…
- Mormons get offended WAY too easily. This is particularly true of one girl I knew in college. Now to be fair, I did tell her that, “Utah would be great if it wasn’t for all those fucking Mormons.” But come on, I had no idea she was Mormon. Had I known, I never would have used the word “fucking.”
So for all these reasons, as well as countless others, I believe I am better than the Mormon Church.
Posted by onetwothreefourfivesixseven 
