Santa Clause Christmas Special

Santa Clause is coming…to your bedroom.

By Matthew Koutzun

Well Merry Christmas all you people I’m obviously better than.  I’m going against my better judgement and my mother by defaming the notorious Christmas icon Santa Clause who I am also obviously better than for again, obvious reasons.

1. I don’t kidnap midgets, call them elves, and then force them to do manual labour.
2. I don’t disappear for 363 days of the year only to come out for one that I don’t even say hello.  Come on, I’ve called you a million times and you don’t return my calls!
3. I don’t, on my one visit of the year, sneak into your home, without a sound, and drop off gifts. I appreciate it but the sound of your hollow breathing beside me as I sleep really creeps me out.
4. I don’t give gifts expecting something in return.  So you got me a Wii this Christmas, I guess I can give you some cookies and a glass of spiked milk.
5. That’s another thing: I don’t go and steal electronics.  How do I know this?  Because I’ve never seen an orphaned midget create a Playstation 3.
6. I don’t pretend to be every shopping mall at once.
7. I don’t crush the spirit of another cute holiday icon by insulting his red nose only to call upon him to help me do my dirty work when it gets “a little foggy” out.  I know your code words… I’m onto you.
8. I don’t have rosy red cheeks all the time.  Lay off the booze fat man!
9. I am thin enough to fit through a chimney.
10. Oh yeah, and I’m real.

But all jokes aside, Santa is really awesome and got me a whole array of great gifts and hopefully you did too, so Happy Holidays from all of us at “People I’m Better Than” and have a Happy New Year!

Someone You’re Better Than: Jocelyn Wildenstein

Too much fug for just one picture

By Matthew Koutzun

Maybe you’ve seen her on the TV, perhaps you’ve seen her in the papers, or you might have seen her roving the streets on Halloween- wait that’s just little kids in scary masks, but once you’ve seen her you never forget.  Here’s a candid look at why you are better than the bastard child of improper plastic surgery.

1. Craig Ferguson has never repeatedly used you in a comedy sketch to repeatedly mistake my image with that of Kenny Rogers.
2. No one has ever called you “The Bride of Wildenstein“
3. You are not referred to as the “Lion Queen” or “Cat Woman”.  Just being called Cat Woman is insult enough to be put in the same category as Hally Barry.  Ugh…
4. You have never had a capuchin monkey as your own personal slave.  We know she says it’s her “pet”, but “fetching” martinis is not a “trick”.
5. You have never spent 4 million dollars- that’s 4,000,000 dollars, for plastic surgery, to come out deformed. 
   And remember, this is true to life: money can’t buy you everything, except when you want to look like a cat.

Australia

By Matthew Koutzun and Christi Olson

Matt and I are going to try to do something never before done on People I’m Better Than! We’re going to double team Australia!

1. A film based on me has never been the biggest box office disappointment since Evan Almighty.
2. Kangaroos don’t shit on me.
3. I am not made of Britain’s unwanted.
4. Koalas don’t shit on me.
5. My two most highly respected representatives aren’t Steve Irwin and the Crocodile Dundee guy.
6. I’m not home to the platypus- AKA God’s mistake.
7. I know a Barbie is a children’s toy and not an outdoor cooking appliance.
8. I am not an island.
9. I wasn’t featured on The Simpsons because my only redeeming quality is that my toilet water spins backwards.
10. My nickname isn’t also the name of a popular HBO  prison drama frequently featuring dude on dude rape.

Karl Lagerfeld

Dearest Karl Lagerfeld;
 
I am writing you from my champagne glass shaped hot tub today with the aid of my personal scribe to tell you that I do not hate you; your boyish, yet crazy, antics cease to amaze me, but in the spirit of knowing I am better than you, I have enclosed my ten reasons as to why I am better than you.
 
 
Attached Addendum-
Ten Reasons I am Better Than You:
 
Number 1) People have never wondered why I’m constantly wearing a neck brace and then suddenly realized that it’s just my shirts ridiculously high collar.  What are you trying to hide?
 
Number 2) I don’t own several hundred iPods for each of my homes, be it each room, so I’ll never be without music.  Do you not like the sound of your own thoughts?
 
Number 3) It has never been advertised“Now You Can Finger [Matthew Koutzun]” anywhere. 
 
Number 4) I didn’t create a creepy teddy bear in my own likeness and then proceed to sell it for fifteen hundred dollars.
 
Number 5) I have never claimed to be a rapper, quoted: “Believe it or not, I love to Rap.” 
 
Number 6) I do not have a diet coke butler.  But do have one for my orange juice, mango smoothies, and also one to rub the soles of my feet.  It’s hard living the better life.
 
Number 7) I didn’t take the last letter off my last name because it would sound more “commercial”.  Yeah, like Lagerfeld is that much better than Lagerfeldt.
 
Number 8 ) I’ve never been quoted saying, “What I hate is nasty ugly people. The worst is ugly short men. Women can be short, but for men it is impossible. It is something that they will not forgive in life – to be born short. I have never been friends with a short man in my life. Don’t trust them; they are mean, and they want to kill you.”  
 
Number 9) I did not create an impossible diet book that would not be possible without a French chef cooking finger sized portions, protein packets, and excessive use of artificial sweeteners and drinks.  But there is a “plus”: no exercise (because that might make you hungry).  This isn’t a diet- it’s called starvation.
 
Number 10) I don’t wear leather gloves just because my mother told me my hands were ugly when I was 11.  Karl, you’re better than that.  You can move on and reveal your hands. You really can!  And no, Michael Jackson is not a good friend to call for support for a crisis like this.
 
And there you have it Karl, my ten reasons as to why I’m better than you.  I just finished another mango smoothie and my mouth is tired from dictating.  Also the champagne glass is making my skin ache.  I hope your doing well with your man-child bodyguard who is suspiciously around all the time.
 
Sincerely;
Matthew Koutzun
 
(Dictated but not read)
 
PS. Please send a signed Karl Bear and possibly one of your numerous iPods.  Mine’s on the fritz.

Katy Perry

Phallic objects just go straight to the vag with this girl…

By Matthew Koutzun

The Americans are on vacation with Thanksgiving, but here in Canada we’re still annoyed by Katy Perry.  And here are ten reasons as to why I’m much better than her.

1. I don’t use homosexuality to sell most of albums.
2. I don’t use negative homosexual references in my pieces- especially to stereotype, oppress, and offend gay males and those that “don’t even like boys” who may have “gay style” who go through the trauma everyday of being told what their sexuality is by people like you, Katy Perry, who have “kissed a girl and liked it” (even though you’ve never actually done it) confusing them further of their own emotions and budding sexuality.  Thanks for creating such self-esteem in struggling men everywhere.  Congrats!
3. I try not to piss off the homosexual population in general.
4. I don’t use my “free-spirit” attitude to disrespect everyone around me.
5. I’ve never compared my “confessional writing” to that of Anne Frank’s.
6. Like our sweetheart Blossom from the 1990′s on steroids you are tacky, extremely tacky- more so than Blossom could ever be.  I miss you Blossom…
7. California may fall into the ocean one of these days, but at least I know that 1950′s bathing suits are not appropriate attire for all occasions. 
8. My face isn’t held together by pins. 
9. I’ve never dated someone to mooch into their fan base.
10. I’ve never ridden a giant Cherry Chapstick shaped dildo to titillate my underaged fans at the MTV music awards.

Miley Cyrus

By Matthew Koutzun

Miley Cyrus, or Hannah Montana, or whatever you are, I’ve got more than “7 Things”  as to why I’m better than you.

1. I’ve never had an alter-ego just so I could sell double the amounts of albums.  Shame on you for exploiting your multiple personalities!
2. I’ve never let one of my multiple personalities have a better career than me.  If you’re gonna exploit them then keep them in line!
3. I didn’t change my name from Destiny Hope Cyrus to Miley Ray Cyrus to run away from an alter-ego I didn’t like: myself.  And just to finalize this running joke: who the hell are you now?!
4. I’ve never tried to salvage my career by teaming up with another failing, not to mention aging, actor to save my career. 
5.  I don’t have multiple forums dedicated to how many tween girls hate me, even on my official fan club website.
6. I’ve never posed semi-nude while my father leered at me from the sides. 
7. I’ve never been in love with a Jonas Brother, or have it escalateto a Youtube war between me and his new girlfriend.  
8. I am not going out with someone 5 years older than me.  Let’s look at this class- mathematically.  You take one 15 year old girl, put her with a 20 year old man and what do you get?  Pedophile! 
9. I’ve never had a stalker. 
10. And by the way I took the Myspace Quiz “Are you hotter than Miley Cyrus”, and not only am I better than you, I’m hotter too!

 

John Travolta

This was the straightest picture I could find of John Travolta

Ed. Note- Remember when I said if Obama won I would bring in attractive contributors? Here’s the first one! As people contribute, their mini bios will be added to the contributors page up top. Servicey, right? Also, kudos Matt for covering Travolta without any Tom Cruise+Gay sex jokes. You are apparently a much better person than I am.

John, John, Johnny Boy… what happened?  From dressing like a greaser to dressing in drag (a little too well mind you) you’ve fallen from the hearts of women everywhere.  From tight leather to tight stilettos no wonder you took a dive. But let’s take a closer look at why I’m obviously better than you:

1. I don’t have to team up with a tween pop idol (Miley Cyrus of all people) to try and salvage my career.
2. I don’t believe in a religion that tells half truths to celebrities in order to boost their conversion rates and exploit the people they say they care for.
3. I’ve never, negligently, not treated or considered treatment my child’s proven autism.
4. No one has ever questioned, “How did a man who looks like the bastard lovechild of the Pillsbury doughboy and the Michelin Man manage to dominate Hollywood for so long?” in reference to me.
5. I’ve never been in a film with talking babies.
6. I don’t have a plane runway in my backyard taking up valuable land space for more practical things.  Hell I don’t even have a backyard!
7. I’ve never been “Punk’d”
8. I have never, EVER, done what you have done in this video.  Please witness the damage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cy3IkXrgv3I
9. I’ve never tried to save my already dwindling career with a movie named “Road Hogs”
10. And why are you hugging this homeless man?   People want to know!