- Santa Clause is coming…to your bedroom.
Well Merry Christmas all you people I’m obviously better than. I’m going against my better judgement and my mother by defaming the notorious Christmas icon Santa Clause who I am also obviously better than for again, obvious reasons.
- I don’t kidnap midgets, call them elves, and then force them to do manual labour.
- I don’t disappear for 363 days of the year only to come out for one that I don’t even say hello. Come on, I’ve called you a million times and you don’t return my calls!
- I don’t, on my one visit of the year, sneak into your home, without a sound, and drop off gifts. I appreciate it but the sound of your hollow breathing beside me as I sleep really creeps me out.
- I don’t give gifts expecting something in return. So you got me a Wii this Christmas, I guess I can give you some cookies and a glass of spiked milk.
- That’s another thing: I don’t go and steal electronics. How do I know this? Because I’ve never seen an orphaned midget create a Playstation 3.
- I don’t pretend to be every shopping mall at once.
- I don’t crush the spirit of another cute holiday icon by insulting his red nose only to call upon him to help me do my dirty work when it gets “a little foggy” out. I know your code words… I’m onto you.
- I don’t have rosy red cheeks all the time. Lay off the booze fat man!
- I am thin enough to fit through a chimney.
- Oh yeah, and I’m real.
But all jokes aside, Santa is really awesome and got me a whole array of great gifts and hopefully you did too, so Happy Holidays from all of us at “People I’m Better Than” and have a Happy New Year!
Posted by onetwothreefourfivesixseven 
