Someone I’m Not Better Than- Leslie Hall

….She just brings so much joy to my life. I’m going to go out and buy a gem sweater tomorrow. I mean, come on guys. She was on Yo Gabba Gabba!

Someone You’re Better Than- Papa Smurf

By Scott R.

The Smurf balloon debuted in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade this year, and even though he was lord over the three-apple tall blue creatures, Papa Smurf was not chosen to represent his people. Here are five reasons that you’re better than the red-clad, bearded dictator.

1. You didn’t exist for 50 years with a cartoon that lasted more than 400 episodes before getting a balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, a parade that feature balloons from much newer creations like Dora the Explorer, Pikachu and SpongeBob SquarePants.
2. You don’t run a fascist community and make everyone call you papa.
3. You don’t live in a place with only one woman who, again, you make call you papa.
4. You’re not constantly on the run from goofy bald man in a tunic, which could double as a dress.
5. You don’t live in a world where humans either want to turn you to gold or eat you.

Katy Perry

Phallic objects just go straight to the vag with this girl…

By Matthew Koutzun

The Americans are on vacation with Thanksgiving, but here in Canada we’re still annoyed by Katy Perry.  And here are ten reasons as to why I’m much better than her.

1. I don’t use homosexuality to sell most of albums.
2. I don’t use negative homosexual references in my pieces- especially to stereotype, oppress, and offend gay males and those that “don’t even like boys” who may have “gay style” who go through the trauma everyday of being told what their sexuality is by people like you, Katy Perry, who have “kissed a girl and liked it” (even though you’ve never actually done it) confusing them further of their own emotions and budding sexuality.  Thanks for creating such self-esteem in struggling men everywhere.  Congrats!
3. I try not to piss off the homosexual population in general.
4. I don’t use my “free-spirit” attitude to disrespect everyone around me.
5. I’ve never compared my “confessional writing” to that of Anne Frank’s.
6. Like our sweetheart Blossom from the 1990′s on steroids you are tacky, extremely tacky- more so than Blossom could ever be.  I miss you Blossom…
7. California may fall into the ocean one of these days, but at least I know that 1950′s bathing suits are not appropriate attire for all occasions. 
8. My face isn’t held together by pins. 
9. I’ve never dated someone to mooch into their fan base.
10. I’ve never ridden a giant Cherry Chapstick shaped dildo to titillate my underaged fans at the MTV music awards.

Apollo Braun

Click the picture! Buy a tshirt! Not from him!

Honestly, I almost don’t want to write this, because I know the immense joy this giant bag of ass gets from knowing people hate him. But it’s 3:30 am, I’m tired, and he’s an incredibly easy target.

1. My real first name isn’t one letter away from being ‘Moron.’ (It’s Doron for those of you who are too lazy to look it up)
2. I’m not a zionist who lists Hitler as my inspiration.
3. I don’t get super stoked over the idea of Britney Spears wearing a shirt (she wore an effing demin ballgown once, that doesn’t speak well for your shirt).
4. I don’t need to piss people off to make them pay attention to me.
5. I would never try to pass this off as a skirt.
6. I’ve never sprayed fabric paint on dollar store slippers and tried to pass them off as shoes.
7. I’m not a racist dick bag.
8. I don’t have ironic hair.
9. I’ve never taken credit for other people’s work.
10. I’ve never made a shirt asking who killed Malia Obama. That’s not not funny. At all. On any level. Ever. It’s not clever, it’s not edgy, and I sincerely hope that his store burns down. With him inside of it. I assume that hating yourself and beating the clown while listening to MIA would probably delay reaction time.

Someone I’m Not Better Than- Lizard People

I decided this needed to happen twice this week. Why? Because how effing awesome is that picture?

For those of you who don’t obsessively follow Minnesota politics, Norm Coleman and Al Franken are currently in the middle of a recount. One of the disputed ballots contained a write in vote for Lizard People. MisterHippity, a lovely Gawker commenter, created this picture. By association, I guess that means I am not better than MisterHippity. I think I must be having a low self esteem week because between an ad agency, the entire race of Lizard People, and this MisterHippity fellow, that’s a whole bunch of people.

I’m still better than dolphins though.

Someone I’m Not Better Than- Publicis in the West

Publicis in the West is the agency that made this ad. The penguin in this ad made me cry. Therefore, I am not better than Publicis in the West. Even though that’s kind of a silly name for an ad agency. Good work guys!!!

Edited to add- Look at him flap his wings! I dare you not to cry!

Someone You’re Better Than- Dolphins

Dolphins are the perverted uncles of the sea. They do neat tricks and seem totally harmless until your parents let you stay over at their house for the weekend and they whip out the flask…and other things. WTF dolphins….wtf.

1. You’re not a rapist!!!(Scariest article on the internet)
2. You’ve never willingly engaged in “Love play” with a relative.
3. You can survive on land.
4. You’ve never masturbated with a herring.
5. You’ve never rammed your head into someone with such force that you caused internal bleeding.

Mormons

By Rob K.

Okay, so all religions can sound a bit crazy.  Jews believe the earth was created in seven days by a bacon-hating man in the sky.  Muslims are told they’ll get 72 spotless virgins in heaven (lets hope they’re right!).  And Christians – well, they worship a zombie (Sorry, but anyone who dies and comes back to life is zombie in my book).

But Mormons…wow.  Jesus visiting Native Americans.  Angels helping find buried gold plates.  Donny Osmond being talented.  They believe some crazy shit.

Under normal circumstances I’d let it slide.  After all, I’m a self-hating Jew.  I have my own issues to deal with.  But then came Prop 8 and the banning of gay marriage in California – a cause supported in large part by Mormon money.  And so I think it’s fair to say that I am better than the Mormon Church and, by default, almost all Mormons (Damn you, Wilford Brimley!).  Here’s why…

1. Mormons hate gay people.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I hate plenty of gay people.  Clay Aiken’s voice is the audio equivalent of getting raped by a silverback gorilla.  It’s not a pleasant experience. But hating all gay people?  That’s like hating all Mexicans.  Which come to think of it, I kind of do.  Huh?
2. Mormon women are hot.  Blond Hair.  Blue Eyes.  It’s like a Nazi Propaganda Film.  And guess what?  They won’t sleep with you.  Which plays nicely into my next point.
3. Salt Lake City is like the Epcot Center of boring.  It’s like one of those cheesy 1950’s themed diners, only instead of a restaurant IT’S AN ENTIRE FUCKING CITY!  Oh…and good luck trying to get a drink there.  It’s about as dry as a senior citizen’s vagina.
4. Magic Underwear.  Apparently all Mormons have to wear special underwear made and sold  by their Church.  And surprise, surprise…it’s completely unsexy.  Ever seen a Mormon in a thong.  Yeah, didn’t think so.
5. Polygamy.  Okay, I know what you’re thinking.  Polygamy is kind of cool.  And it sort of is; in theory.  But judging from my parent’s relationship, monogamous marriage is a spiraling abyss of misery and despair.  Now imagine that with 2 other partners.  Shoot me now.
6. Jewel.  Supposedly the little Alaskan snaggle-toothed folk-singing bitch is Mormon.  Holy fuck do I hate her!  Between her and Sarah Palin, I’m beginning to think we should just wipe the entire state of Alaska off the map.  As a side note, never date a girl who owns a Jewel album.  Trust me, it won’t end well.  Plus they give terrible blowjobs. It’s a fact.  Look it up.
7. The Mormon Church has gotten into trouble for  secretly baptizing the buried remains of Jews who were killed in the Holocaust.  Jewish groups representing the families have asked them to stop.  But they keep doing it.  Okay, that’s pretty fucked up.  Like really, really, really fucked up.  Which leads me to #8…
8. Oatmeal.  I hate it.  And Wilford Brimley advertises it.  And Wilford Brimley is Mormon.  So using the mathematical law of reduction, if I hate Oatmeal, I hate Mormons.  You can’t argue with Math.
9. Mormon’s aren’t funny.   They’re just not.  Which is the perfect set up to reason #10…
10. Mormons get offended WAY too easily.  This is particularly true of one girl I knew in college.  Now to be fair, I did tell her that, “Utah would be great if it wasn’t for all those fucking Mormons.”  But come on, I had no idea she was Mormon.  Had I known, I never would have used the word “fucking.”

So for all these reasons, as well as countless others, I believe I am better than the Mormon Church.

Ignorant, Racist Americans

The only person with any capacity for thought in this picture is the black kid on the poster

By Scott R.

Apparently, ever since Obama won the presidency, the racist backwoods folk of America have reverted to slavery days with their complete and utter hatred toward the new president elect.  Link

1. I don’t train my kids to say they want Obama to get assassinated.
2. I don’t run pools guessing when Obama will get killed.
3. I don’t hang effigies of black figures.
4. I don’t write racial epithets everywhere.
5. I don’t burn crosses.
6. I get my news from news sources and not from email forwards.
7. I’m not part of real America.
8. I’m a Jew.
9. Dukes of Hazzard is not a lifestyle choice for me.
10. I mess with Texas.

Someone You’re Better Than- Robert Mugabe

So someone, who shall remain nameless, mentioned that I don’t cover important people on this site. Then he listed some dictators and terrible people and told me I should cover them. The reason I don’t cover them? It’s really hard to make torture funny and still be employable. So as an example of why I don’t cover more important things; Robert Mugabe.

1. You’ve never gone from being a well-respected political leader to being universally hated.
2. You’ve never rocked a Hitler stache.
3. You’ve never seized someones property because of their race.
4. You’ve haven’t recently been ranked the 7th worst dictator in the world by Parade.
5. You’ve never ordered your opponent’s wife to be burned alive after cutting off her limbs.